CHAPTER 1:
Jacob awoke at seven o’clock in the morning to get ready for his first day of school. Today was a special day indeed, the day he would join his older brother in elementary school. It was Jacob’s first day of kindergarten and he was very excited. Jacob walked to his bathroom and brushed his teeth and hair and returned to his room. He found his outfit: a new pair of pants, a “Lion King” shirt he bought at Disneyworld the year before, and his favorite “Goosebumps” sneakers; still laid out where he had arranged them the night before. He put them on quickly and moved down the stairs, jumping from the third step to the bottom as he often did. He moved into dining room and ate some cereal and then ran towards the front door to wait to leave for school. Jacob’s older brother, Jaret, came down the stairs a few minutes later.
“What are you so excited about?” asked Jaret, staring at his brother who was standing at the front door, despite the fact there was still a half-hour before they had to leave.
“School,” replied Jacob.
“You little kids, always getting excited about such silly things. I was like that when I was your age, I’m sure. When I was little. But I’m in second grade now. I’ve grown up,” said Jaret to Jacob. Jaret would always say these sorts of things to Jacob, as long as they were schooled together. Any grade under Jaret’s grade was always the little kid one and Jaret’s grade would always be the adult one. Jaret’s attitude continued in this way even up through High School.
As Jaret stood staring at Jacob, their mother walked in.
“Are you two ready for school?” she asked, despite knowing that they were awake, of course, since she was the one who woke them up this morning as she does every morning. The boys nodded to her and she then said “Let me get my camera, I have to take some pictures of you both before you go off to school. You look so handsome.”
Jacob’s mother ran off to get her camera and they both sighed. No matter how excited the brothers may or may not have been for school, neither of them liked the age old tradition of the “first day of school pictures”, the seemingly endless process of getting posed in the front yard with the plants in the background; letting the whole street see your mother taking pictures of you with your little backpacks on. It made the boys embarrassed, but it made their mother happy. But they’d enjoy seeing the pictures later and it made their mother happy, so it was bearable.
After the pictures were taken, Jacob and Jaret climbed into the back seat of their mother’s old blue car and she drove them to school. They got to their school a few minutes later. The elementary school was only a mile or so from their house. The boys moved from the car and around the back of the school. Jaret found his friends there, the ones whom he had chummed with for the two years he’d attended that school. Jacob, however, did not know many of the children at this school, most of his preschool mates had gone to various other schools around the city. This didn’t matter though, Jacob could find friends later. It was now time to go to school, to go inside. Jacob got into line with his other kindergarteners and waited for the yard-ladies, as they were called, to guide the student into the school.
Jacob entered the front doors of the building and was hit with a sudden warmth and good smell of the school. It felt nice. He moved down the hall in his line towards his classroom. He stopped in his tracks and took in the whole room as he first walked in. It was quite the kindergarten classroom. There were tables and chairs and a bright rug, books and blocks and toys, a skyscraper-sized pile of construction paper, and even a glass tank containing two real lizards. Jacob liked the room; it was large, bright and welcoming. He sat down on a little chair and waited for the teacher to begin talking. “It’s going to be a good year”, he thought.
14 comments:
I really liked this because it is a a pretty sincere way to think about the first day of school. I liked the details that you used, as well as the fact that you used family names so it really seems like it could have happened. I like how it was very realistic to me.
- I like the details in the first paragraph (IE the “Lion King” shirt and “Goosebumps” sneakers). I think you could emphasize details like this a little bit more throughout the piece.
- The whole story is easily instantly relatable. You did a good job with this.
- I keep waiting for your sense of humor to pop up somewhere in the piece. I don’t know if you intended the whole work to be humorous at all but you’ve been very good at incorporating humor in the past.
i really like it so far, the excitement of the first day of school really carries through to the piece. i agree, i also think the piece is very sincere.
I like how the narrator is able to enter the mind of both Jaret and Jacob and describe anything from Jaret's idea that any grade Jacob is in is the little kid grade, to the sights and sounds of kindergarten.
I really enjoy this piece beacause it's such a relatable story, the first day of school excitment that many of us still have. I really liked the details, like the Lion King shirt and Goosebumps sneakers, I thought it was very cool how you brought things from our childhood into the story. I also liked how you portrayed the relationship between the two boys, how Jaret was trying to act older and cooler than Jacob, but he wasn't necissarilly being mean. Great story
I agree with Alex. The plot is strong because it's tangible, but as a whole I think it would be stronger if your personality and style played a larger role.
But maybe you did that on purpose. This is only chapter one. The simple beginning you've written could make way for a more intense, detailed chapter two. I'm looking forward to it.
Wow I can relate to this on so many different levels. East Gloucester Elementary Kindergarten room. That smell of school that is so much different at EGlo then anywhere else. Yardladies! And then if you did something wrong they'd say, "Up against the wall!" and for some reason your heart would fill up with terror and embarassment... even though it was just a wall in front of less than 40 kids. Thanks for this bro. It's funny that no matter how far you progress, there's always someone to call you the big kid, and someone else to call you the little kid.
i like that the story is told with a focus on Jacob, like how Jaret relates to him and how things appear. I agree with the others that the details inspire some serious nostalgia. The part with the boys taking pictures on the lawn and being kind of unwilling, but wanting to make their mother happy is very telling of the real-life kind of details that make it so easy to relate to this piece.
I like the way you have introduced your story. Jacob’s thoughts about his first day of school are realistic and you do a good job putting the reader in the scene. You capture their feelings well, such as their embarrassment about their mother taking their picture. I also like a lot of the details you put in about the boys preferences. You also set up a very realistic portrayal of the brothers’ relationship. I like your detail that Jaret’s grade would always be the adult one and Jacob’s always the little kid one because that’s how I see myself thinking about it when I was younger.
This piece is very interesting. I enjoy the feel of its sincerity and the subject of elementary school is amazing. I think the writing itself is very well done and I can't wait to see where it goes from here
I really like that you tell most of the story from your brother's point of view. I also think it's great that you're trying to write something that is different from what you normally write. I think you're humor is there even if it's not quite as obvious as it usually is. For example, "Today was a special day indeed." That definitely sounds like Jaret. I think my only real advice is to not get too bogged down in chronology since these stories appear to be true stories about your life. I'm really curious where you're going with this. I feel like the next chunk might be about an incident that happened with Jacob. If this is so, I think that maybe you could give little foreshadowings of this ahead of time. Great work!
I think you did a great job on this story. You are very detailed in your descriptions of Jacob's first day of school which really helps everyone relate to the story. I also like how you had Jaret act like he was an adult and knew everything about school even though he was only in the second grade.
I feel it would be incredibly redundant to say everything that was said here already, but that's really all I can say here. It's very real and very detailed, and it's awesome that you're using your brother's point of view, and how you mention yourself from your brother's point of view is pretty nifty. I definitely want to see more humor, but I don't think it's even needed for this. =)
Reading this story reminded me of when I used to be a little kid, and my first day at a new school and a new grade. Seeing as I, you know, used to be a little kid, this story is incredibly easy to relate too.
I like where you're going with this Jaret.
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