Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Day Before Halloween by Alyssa Grozier


Record Date: October 30th, 2008 .

Glendale. The cute California community where uniqueness fails to exist. Each home on Sweetbriar Drive in Glendale, California looks as if it were painted with the same paint. And inside each house lives a perfectly designed family to match it. This particular street blends together with an array of color, except for the home on the lonely cul-de-sac at the end of the drive. This house, numbered 742, was an empty old grey house that no one has acknowledged in years. It was one of those “fixer-uppers” that no one wanted to fix.
Nicole Burke was a middle-aged business woman apparently ready to take on that task. People say she bought the house as an investment. She decided to fix it up and rent the home as soon as possible to close friends and family members. At least that is the story she told. See Burke had been battling an addiction with prescription pills. She’d been in a horrific car accident and cracked her collarbone as well as two ribs. Pain pills popped every couple hours, but still pain. At the end of her healing, she’d become so used to the pills that she would get sick without them. No one on Sweetbriar Drive dreamed that Ms. Nicole Ann Burke, successful African-American executive, was buying a house for her addiction.
The neighborhood greeted Ms. Burke with banana cream pies and fruit baskets. She and her pseudo persona acted grateful as she accepted the goods. After moving in, Burke was convinced she needed to decorate her house extravagantly, at least on the outside. She was desperate for separation from the neighbor’s blur of bright colors. During the first week of her arrival, she painted the house dark brown and added a light beige around the window sills. House 742 stood out on Sweetbriar drive and for the first time it wasn’t in a negative way. Neighbors started chattering away. Women in Glendale spread gossip as fast as the ladies on Desperate Housewives. Word on the street was that Burke’s boyfriend was a drug-dealer Burke shrugged it off. She couldn’t care less about their racial views and judgments. Her neighbors failed to see that inside this gorgeous home, the water leaked and the wooden floors stained with dirt. Burke had one television in one room with one couch. On a typical weekend, she took her drugs, watched a couple programs, laid around, and prepared for the week ahead’s work.
After a month of decorating, Burke’s neighbors became suspicious. Burke had not had anyone move in the house and in fact…neighbors hadn’t even seen anyone look at it yet. Confrontation was something Burke wanted to avoid, and her neighbors too.
Halloween was a grand occasion in Glendale. Celebrities took their famous children trick-or-treating, neighbors hosted cook-outs and parties, and people watched parades storm by on Halloween night. On Sweetbriar, each home was allowed a maximum of five Halloween decorations but a minimum of one.. This rule was never set it stone, but neighbors agreed on the idea at a community meeting. Burke was not aware of this rule but wasn’t into Halloween much anyways. Since she spent barely any time at the Glendale home, Burke passed on decorating for the holiday in general. Neighbors hoped on Halloween day Nicole would at least carve a pumpkin for her lawn.
October 30th arrived and Burke awoke in her home in a drug-induced state. She was running on no sleep and relied on her pain pills to stay up through the night. She scrambled downstairs and noticed a light on in the living room. Hazy about the whole night before, she walked towards the light and stood in shock as she stared into the stranger’s eyes. His face was unlike anyone she’s ever seen. His eyes pierced her body and she noticed feeling like she couldn’t run if she tried. His expression was intense. Before she could open her mouth to say “Who the hell are you?”, her forehead was met with a 30 pound drainage pipe he was apparently concealing in his jacket. She saw black. No heaven for her successes. No hell for her sins. One last moment she felt what it was to feel, and then passed.
Record Date: October 30th, 2008 .
Oakland. The gang-ridden neighborhood in California was booming with police sirens the day that 17 year old Al Mitchell moved in to his first house. He had just been emancipated after his father shot his 35 year-old mother and then himself before Mitchell returned from school. Family urged Mitchell to stay with them until he turned18, but he insisted he needed to get away from his family and do his own thing. He did not want to end up like his father, living the dangerous ways of the drug and gang life.
Al was attending a local community college, hoping to get his GED and graduate by his next birthday. Although things seemed to be looking up, he felt he had a void. He had always attracted women, but he had just escaped an unhealthy relationship. His heart ached for his ex-girlfriend, although his mind thanked him for staying away. The three years they spent together took a toll on Al mentally and physically. They had started out as teenagers in love, freshman who stayed after school to study and held hands at football games. But Nadia had started hanging out with the wrong crowd when she turned 15 and caused Al to start trouble in school.
By the time Al finished his sophomore year, he had been suspended 27 times from fighting and decided to try dual-enrollment. His focus was off and he wanted to get back on track. He stayed with Nadia, however, because his love for her seemed to take control over anything else. Nadia’s constant instigating caused fights between the two, and after many cheating instances, Al finally broke away. Both Nadia and Al fell apart at this moment, but Al seemed to manage to keep his life in pieces. Nadia, on the other hand, didn’t. She crumbled like a pieces of glass when it hit’s the floor. This occurred around the same time Al’s father, Charlie “OG” Mitchell, shot and killed his mother then turned the gun on himself. Al returned from home around two o’clock from school to find the brutal discovery. He emancipated himself as soon as he spoke to police and family members. The money from his father’s drug lifestyle served to support Al and he bought his first apartment close to his Community College in Oakland.
Little Mitchell was doing alright, considering the circumstances. His only support came from his grandmother all the way in Glendale, California. She was the only one who seemed to want Al to bring out the good in himself, rather than the other members who hinted that Al should carry on the “family business” and run the streets of Oakland. The night he moved in, Nadia called his phone asking if she could meet him at his new house. She claimed she wanted to help him move in and catch up on things. Mitchell refused, figuring she would just bring “her boys” to start a fight. Mitchell was finally in a place where he wanted to start progressing and working towards his future. Nadia grew angry the more he refused. She threatened to do exactly what he expected, and said she knew where he lived. He shrugged it off and continued with the moving.
Mitchell unpacked and realized it was Halloween tomorrow. As he shifted through boxes, he picked up the phone and dialed his grandmother in Glendale. She nervously answered and told Al she there was going to be an intervention for his aunt Nicole. She said they had known about her pill addiction and recently set up a meeting with professionals to send her for help. The meeting was arranged for Halloween night, and Al’s grandmother was attending. Al was invited, but he declined. He was depressed as it is.
Halloween happened to fall on a weekday, so Al divulged himself in staying busy to forget about his hurt. Nadia and her drama faded into the background. At about noon, it appears a noise in the kitchen awoke Al. He had evidently nodded off after reading a chapter of bio in his bedroom. Al sneaked downstairs and immediately spotted a figure in a heavy jacket and skin tight jeans. He had no time to think as he tasted the aluminum on the drainage pipe that was shoved down his throat. Al’s white eyes were painted red, and he hit the floor.

10 comments:

lawlzatbethany said...

I really liked this piece, I thought the troubles of the two were very unique and yet somehow relatable; something you can see happening in every day life. I particularly like the boys story and how it intertwined with Nicole's, I also liked his relationship with Nadia(?) the girlfriend, I can easily see the termoil in that whole relationship.
Good work!

Kat said...

I like that the common themes are obscure (October 30th and the main character being hit over the head with a drainage pipe) and intriguing. The fact that the stories begin describing the setting and then settle in to introducing the main character, soon followed by the events that lead up to the main character being smashed in the head.

There were several instances in which the sentence structure could be altered for a more fluid story, or the word choice was a little off.

There were some times during the story when it felt like the narrator was directly addressing the reader, which distracted me momentarily from the rest of the story. I understand that the story is a narration by a third party, but maybe a little clarification throughout the stories to help this...

Michael said...

I really like that you made parallel storylines. I thought that it was a really good way to tell the stories. I also like how you connected the two characters by making them family. I also really like the back stories of each character. You get very descriptive in the story and it makes it very easy to read.

Kaylie McTiernan said...

There are a lot of strong connections between the two pieces of your story, but I’m not sure I understand completely how they fit together. I don’t know if the reader is supposed to be able to connect them on a timeline, but I was unsure of the order of events. This story is very interesting and makes me want to read more. You did a good job adding in details that keep the attention of the reader. One line I would point out for you to possibly change is “She crumbled like a pieces of glass when it hit’s the floor.” I’m not sure about this image in my head, but I do like the idea of you creating an image here.

alees said...

I think that you are off to a really good start. You have an excellent sense of pacing and your characters are interesting. I think one thing you might want to think about is your narrator's style of speaking. The story often switches back and forth between formal and casual and I think it would strengthen the story if you had just one style for your narrator. For example, one sentence will say, "Burke awoke in her home" and the next will say, "she was running on no sleep." Just something to thing about. Great story :)

Sara said...

This piece is very interesting. I like the way the narrator is not seem to be any of the character sand I am eager to find out who it is since they seem to know so much about how these people are feeling and exactly what happened. Also I find the connection between the killings very interesting. Same weapon, same date, and the victims being related. The differences in the murders also intrigued me. The different uses of the weapon and the different states in which the victims where in. The Boy being awake and aware of his surrounding while the aunt Nicole is drugged up and a little foggy. I like how those states follow into what they remember of the actual attack. Nicole's attack was not written as though the attack was foggy to her or that she really realized what was going on while the boy can clearly taste the pipe in his mouth. I look forward to reading more on this peice

Anonymous said...

i really like how both stories are intertwined, and the detail of the problems each character faced were well put.

Ryan O said...

I liked the parallel stories, and I'm incredibly interested in how two people with completely different backgrounds could be connected, and how the mysterious pipe-wielding stranger came to know about them, and why he chose those two specifically to (I'm assuming) murder. It almost reminds me of Paranoia Agent.

A great start so far, and I would like to see if any more fall victim to this stranger.

Jaret said...

The title intregued me, and helped motivate me (the reader)to be drawn to this story. I really like the contrast you present in this. You open talking about a Glendale with it's uniform cuteness and "all being painted with the same paint" look... and then you move into a new feel with the drugs, car accidents, and killing. It's an extreme contrast which helps to bring out both side of the transition even better. Showing multiple sides seperates the sections and make each seem more bold and stronger. I like that. This is a very interesting story you are writing, very intregueing.

Rose said...

I like the general mysteriousness that you've created between the two pieces. Connecting the characters, and furthermore, continuing Nicole's story by discussing the intervention in Al's story, is exciting and engaging, and it's going to leave the reader waiting for the next point of view to add to the clues they've already been given.

I also think the words are strong in images like the inside of House 742 such as the floor accumulating dirt, and the image in Al's story of somebody crumbling like glass to the floor - I particularly like 'crumbling' as opposed to the more common 'shattering' because it speaks of a different kind of break-up than 'shattering' would imply... and the whole thought of gravity and the impact of it seems very clear to me.

I think finding more places in the story to inject with these thoughtful details would be very productive.