Chapter 1 – Beginning
Beginning.
The doctor sits patiently, his hands teepee-d in front of him; he’s slouched slightly in his chair. His fingers pressed against his lips. He stares into my eyes, probing.
He’s scrutinizing every move I make. Every breath I take.
“Why?”
I smirk, “Why what?”
“Why do you do this to yourself?”
“Why not?”
He sighs, clearly aware that there is no getting through to me.
“You know, at the rate you’re going, you don’t have much life left to live.”
I shrug, “I’ve got a steady job, a roof over my head, food on my plate.”
“But, you’re also throwing away everything you’ve worked for.”
“It doesn’t matter to me. When I die, I die. I’m no longer scared of dying. It’s what happens. Simple as that.”
“How can you live like that?”
“Like what?”
“Depending on drugs; or just being downright depressing all the time… It can’t be fun for you.”
I shrug, “It’s the same as anyone who’s taking anti-depressants. It becomes something they depend on, without it, they lose control. They spiral down… They fail. And, as it is with my depression, it’s whatever. I don’t care. I’m alive for the time being, who cares what happens after? I don’t.”
I stand up, “Excuse me; I have a meeting to catch.”
He stares at me skeptically, “With whom?”
A hint of an animalistic grin, “My firm. And, then I have a date…”
I walk out of his office and into the lobby. I look around, and find her.
I smile in her direction, she smiles back.
Loneliness.
“Eight o’clock tonight. Come over to my place. I want to show you something.” I say this to her as I walk past her.
I glance back for a moment, she’s staring at me. She nods, and smiles again.
I smile back.
I look ahead of me.
“Hold the elevator.”
The man I speak to looks up, he smirks and nods.
I enter the elevator.
“Ground floor.”
He nods as he pushes the letter ‘G’ along with the number ‘3’.
“How’d your appointment go?”
I glance at him quizzically.
“Excuse me?”
He smirks, “With Dr. Harrington.”
I grin, “You’re Dwight, aren’t you?”
“You catch on quick.”
I’m looking at him now, he’s looking at me.
“How much do you need?”
“Enough to last me two weeks.”
He nods, and reaches into his coat pocket. “I knew you’d say something like that.”
He pulls out a small baggy with at least 20 pills.
“This is about what you need… There are extras, you know, just in case.”
I nod, and I pull my wallet out of my pocket, “How much will that be?”
Distribution.
He shakes his head, “Since you’re such good friends with Luke, this one’s on me. Don’t worry about it.”
I still pull out two twenties; I take the baggy from his hand, and replace it with the two twenties.
He shakes his head, and is about to give them back, “No. That’s for your trouble.”
He sighs and places the money in his pocket as I place the baggy in mine.
‘Ding.’
Dwight looks up at the elevator number lights, “I’ll find you.”
The door slides open in front of us, and he steps out onto the floor.
The door closes. I smile, and I reach into my pocket again. I pull out the baggy and open it.
I tip the bag diagonally and give it a little shake; two pills fall into my hand. I put one back, and I close the baggy and put it back in my pocket.
I put the other pill on my tongue, and I swallow.
‘Ding.’
Again, the doors slide open, and I step out.
Addiction.
11 comments:
I really love this piece so far. I thought the "...every move I make. Every breath I take" at the beginning was really funny. Was this an intentional reference to the Sting song? I also really enjoyed the words in italics. It gave the piece a really slick, well paced feel. I wondered about the doctor saying the narrator was "...being downright depressing". I didn't know if you did this purposely to show the doctor has giving up on the narrator or not.
Some grammatical errors, but i liked the story. The character only seemed to want to feed her addictions; wether it be the drugs or with people. I'd like to see more about where the girl fits in, and how the addictions grow
i really liked the exclusive feeling of the scene in the elevator, and the sense of security it brings, but that it breaks when the doors "ding" open. i did find however, that i was surprised they weren't more subtle about their exchange, because i thought maybe since this person is seeing a doctor, this is some sort of hospital, so maybe there is some sort of security/surveillance system that would monitor the elevators for moments such as this... but if you just want to leave it that there isn't one that's cool. or you could make it this cool thing where they know exactly where to stand to avoid being seen or something. just a thought...
You do a very good job at setting up a depressing mood at the beginning of the story. I also like the way in which you told the reader about the main character's addiction. You started out by making the character's problem be very ambiguous which I think was very good. I also like how the main character has no desire to change their ways and is not afraid to let the doctor know that.
- It almost seems like there is a subtle kind of black humor in this piece. I hope this isn’t a misinterpretation. Anyway, I think it could be very effective.
- I think the dialogue is very well-crafted. It seems realistic but at the same time very intense and emotive.
I like how you subtly mock the narrator. While the narrator seems intent on mocking establishment (in the form of the "scrutinizing" doctor), and life (in the form of his/her lack of fear concerning death),the author is able to critique the narrator's addiction and actions. The best example of this is in the phrase "animalistic grin." While the narrator's intention is to demonstrate his/her ability to undermine establishment, it can also be seen as an animalistic addiction: one that is focused purely on and animalistic desire for pleasure while disregarding any moral or human responsibility.
The flow of the writing in this seems very conscious of sound, which I like, especially because what the narrator says to other people fits in with the dark lyrical sound of the narration. I like the short and sentences and minimal description. I think that a way to consider accentuating the narrator's character would be to change up the way that the other character's are responding to the narrator. The narrator is the one who gets to be dark and animalistic (your word,) so I think playing up, for example, a doctor who doesn't quite know what to say when the narrator talks about the anti-depressants, would show that the narrator is the dark one, which could strengthen the narrator's own unique characterization.
i always love your stories barbara you know this lol.
I like that you tell this story from the main character's perspective alone, it leaves the reader to figure out how the other characters feel about him. The story is very intriguing.
B- This story has a lot of potential. I'm curious as to what the gender of the narrator is...Maybe it was mentioned and I just skipped over it as I read it...
I noticed the same thing that Allie did "...every move I make. Every breath I take." and I think that you could really build on that, including song titles or lyrics in parts of the story as the narrator's thoughts and narrations. That would be interesting! The intimacy of the narrator's thoughts are intriguing, since we are getting an in-depth look at how the narrator perceives that people observe and look at [them], as well as the specific things that [THEY] notice.
I like it, and the scene and beginning of the story is intriguing, but I feel like I am thrust into the middle of a scene that has already started, and I (personally) find it hard to understand exactly what is happen at the elevator, etc...
Was the doctor's visit just a meeting point for getting the drugs? Where will you take the story from here?
This is really good. The whole universe of the story revolves around the main character. And the other people in the story just kind of brush against the main character as said character is passing through and I like that. The main character's sarcasm and not caring shows... the person is in their own world... and doesnt let their faded view of the outside world seep in. Also, I like all the dialouge, both with the doctor and the dealer. The doctor dialouge is very solid and the elevator deal is clever and sly. Very good story with an interesting main character. Even people who cannot relate to the main character's experiences can still feel some attachment and relation to the character. Very good.
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