I suppose the closest I’ve ever come to falling in love was with a girl named Helene, I can’t recall ever learning her last name; our relationship didn’t require things like that. I met her on July 9th, the sky was beginning to turn a dark shade of grey and the air began to get stiff and damp, a storm was beginning to form. I was walking home especially fast that day, trying to make it home before the rain began to fall; I took the shortcut, through the woods. With my headphones in, Red Death at 6:14, and my hood protecting my head from the slight mist that had arrived. Thunder roared above the tree tops, I looked up hoping the cool splash of rain would hit my face and cool down my body, sweating from the hot summer air that stuck to me, instead of the cool splash of rain, I felt my face meet the ground. A soft chuckle came from my left; I looked up finding a girl laughing at me.
“What’s your problem?! Do you just go around laughing at anybody that falls? Who do you think you are?!”
“Kid, you tripped on your own two feet, and took a face dive straight into the dirt. That is pretty funny, I mean you honestly couldn’t tell me that you wouldn’t have done the same.”
I couldn’t think of anything to say back to her, because well, I knew she was right.
“Look, I’m sorry if I offended you in any way, here let me help you up”
She took out her hand expecting me to take it, and to my surprise; I did. Amazingly strong for her tiny stature she was able to get me to my feet in a matter of seconds, I quickly brushed the soggy dirt off of my pant legs, the girl watched me and I could begin to feel myself feeling self conscious. She took out a lighter from her pants pocket and a cigarette out of a different one, she lit it and put it in her mouth, she breathed in the smoke, long, and deep.
“Hey, do you want one?”
“Umm, No thank you. I’ve got to go right home, and my mother would have a fit if I came home smelling like smoke.”
She laughed again, this time louder, “Hey don’t sweat it, truth be told I wasn’t even really asking you.”
To my surprise I began to feel myself get angry, “Well, why even bother asking me then?!” I could here the bitterness in my voice.
“I was being polite.” She smiled at me, not with her mouth, no, she smiled with her eyes. My nerves began to calm after she smiled, and I don’t quite recall thinking clearly, my brain had no filter and I wasn’t in control of what came out my mouth.
“Hey, what’s your name anyway?”
“My name is Helene.”
“Oh, mine is Edgar.”
“I never asked you for your name, Edgar. Hate to break it to you…but you have an old man’s name.” She tried to hold in her laughter, but within seconds she began to laugh at me again, the third time within an hour.
“Right, well you don’t have to laugh at me, your names…your name is….” I couldn’t think of anything mean to say about it, because in all honesty I thought that a name wouldn’t ever fit anybody better than her name fit her.
“Your absolutely right, I shouldn’t have laughed, but your name is and old man’s name. I suppose you’ll be old soon enough. Well Edgar, I have nowhere to be, where are you going?”
“My house, its maybe 10 or 20 minutes away…depends on how slow I walk.”
“To make up for me laughing at you so much on this fine summery day, I will walk you to your lovely abode.” I could tell that she got a kick out of just hearing herself talk, the way she strung her words together, seeming much older and sophisticated than she was. At glance I would say that she was 17 possibly 18, but when I look deeper, I’m almost certain she’s 15…16 at most.
“Sure, I mean you can walk me home, it would be nice to have someone to talk to for once.” I didn’t know why I said that; maybe I just wanted her pity, so she wouldn’t leave. We walked for a while without talking, the only sounds I remember hearing was the click of her lighter as she watched it create a small fire and the sound of her taking another drag of her cigarette. This type of silence was comforting, I didn’t have to try to break it if it was already broken. I was endlessly trying to find something clever to say to make me seem a lot cooler than I actually was, but there isn’t a clever bone in my body. All I could come up with was this,
“So, how old are you anyways?”
“I’m 15, my birthday is coming up pretty soon, September 23. But I feel much older than 15, I tell everyone that I’m an old soul trapped in a young body.”
I understood what she meant, and yet I didn’t at the same time, most people relish the fact that they are young and carefree, and dread the thought of getting older and having to worry about bills and settling down and kids, I just didn’t know what she meant, then. I didn’t really know what to say back to her, I couldn’t think of anything to respond with, luckily she answered for me.
“How old are you anyways, I’ve been wondering. Your face looks older, maybe 19, 20. But you’re not very tall, and no offence you’re not very… “built”, so my final guess is 18.”
“I’m 17, so you were very close. My face looks “older”, how so?”
“Well compared to kids in my grade your jaw is more defined, and by the looks of it you’ve been shaving for more than a week. And your eyes, I can tell mostly in your eyes. You’re an old soul trapped, just like me.”
I looked at her then, I really looked at her. Her hair was a dull red that was highly noticeable in the bland green of the forest, it was down and messy; I suspect that she didn’t brush it this morning because it was tangled in all the right places. Her eyes were a pale green, so light at a glance I would have sworn they were white, but close to the pupil I noticed little yellow spots that shone through, her lips a bright red, at least 5x brighter and deeper a red than her hair. I wasn’t even certain that it was her real lip color, but I didn’t really care because that’s not what I noticed about them. The upper lip was slightly smaller than the bottom, both were full, but the sizes were noticeably different. I couldn’t help but notice that her skin was milk white, with no freckles and no noticeable scars; she was beautiful, in every way. She could tell that I was looking at her, she could sense I was searching endlessly for something to hate about her, some flaw that would drive me crazy, so she turned her head to keep me from looking any further. She took out another cigarette, this time with shaking fingers.
“You know, those things will kill ya.”
I could hear her breathing change from a slow steady pace to almost a chuckle.
“What would you care anyways? We just met, what’s it to you?”
I didn’t really know, I had only said it to make conversation. I stopped walking and thought about what she said, and maybe I did care, but I just couldn’t think of why. Helene must have noticed that the sound of my feet beside her had come to a stop, she turned and said,
“Hey, you’re going to be late! Move those feet.”
I caught up to her, still thinking I finally thought of an answer for her,
”I care because your somebody that is going to be worth caring about, not today and not tomorrow, but someday.” I wasn’t sure what compelled me to think that, or why I would say that to someone I had just met, but I did. By the way she just stood there, looking for something to say, I could tell she was just as shocked as I was that I said that. Her big green eyes looked into mine for only a moment, and she looked away, beginning to walk, I stood there waiting for a response. It was 2 maybe 3 minutes before I heard from a slight distance her voice,
”How do you know?” I yelled back,
“Well how do you?” I ran to catch up to her, it didn’t take long before I was beside her again.
“Who said that I did know?”
“Well, nobody said that you didn’t…including you.”
“Okay, so you have me there. It doesn’t matter what I think or what I know, here’s what I’m going to tell you; I’m no good, especially no good for you. So don’t be expecting me to loose my head over some boy, or letting you waste your time on somebody like me…it just wouldn’t work.”
I decided that it was best not to argue with her, and I let the silence creep its way back into our company. Nobody talked until we approached my house.
”Wow, this is your house?! It’s so nice, you didn’t tell me you were well off.” Helene wiggled her eyebrows one at a time and rubbed her fingers on her right hand together, I suspect she thought I had money considering my house was the biggest on the block, but that house wasn’t mine; Its Rick’s, my mother’s boyfriends house. I laughed anyway as to not show any signs of anger that were bubbling inside of me.
“Yeah, I suppose I should go, I’m already late I don’t want to make my mom worry.” That was a lie.
“Oh yeah, sure. Well I’ll see you around, Edgar.”
“What’s your number, maybe we could meet up some day.” She laughed again,
“What did I tell you before? I’m no good for you. I’m not going to just give you my number just like that, you have to earn a pretty girl’s number, don’t you know anything? Don’t worry, we will defiantly meet up soon.”
I watched for a moment as she turned to walk back towards the woods we had just come out of, I began to walk the short distance up my driveway when I heard Helene shout,
“Hey Edgar!”
I turned and saw her run towards me,
“You know when I said that I tell everyone I’m an old soul trapped in a young body?”
“Ummm yeah, why?”
“Well that’s a lie, that’s what I tell myself. I just wanted you to know.”
“Okay? Why would you want me to know that?”
”I don’t really know to be honest with you, well you really should go.”
Before she left again, she quickly kissed my cheek and then ran off. I could barely comprehend everything that happened in that tiny 30 minutes of my day, I felt different and new, and yet old and bland. I didn’t know what to make of it all, so I went inside my house, the place I was trying to get to all along.
14 comments:
Bethany, I really like the playfulness of your piece. It is romantic without being overly sentimental. I think in the beginning, you have some wonderful sentences but you could make them stronger by making them shorter. One example, "I met her on July 9th, the sky was beginning to turn a dark shade of grey and the air began to get stiff and damp, a storm was beginning to form." Maybe: I met her on July 9th. The sky was beginning to turn a dark shade of grey and the air began to get stiff and damp. A storm was beginning to form.
I also think you could make this sentence stronger by only using the word "beginning" once and using another word for the other time.
I think you're doing a great job so far.
i agree with ali that you have some very strong sentences. i also really like it that your characters have flaws, so it's easier for us to identify with them and like them. your details about their surroundings are very helpful in setting the tone, and i like your use of visual descriptions.
"Final Project Beginning by Bethany Sabo-Brisbois"
*The details in the story are unique and beautifully worded, which makes it easier to get a feel for the tone of the story.
*The story is incredibly imaginative, and the narrator has such a strong voice.
*I love the first sentence, it immediately grabs my attention and gets me curious about the narrator.
*I like the irony in the sentence "I don’t really know to be honest with you," after the character just revealed herself to the narrator.
*I wouldn't change much about the story, the only thing that needs editing is the "your"'s to you're
I really felt connected to the characters in this story. They were so real and detailed. Also your final sentence is really good but If the story goes on from there with Edgar and Helene maybe it should say something about home was where he had THOUGHT he had being trying to get to. instead of it being where he wanted to get to, just because it would give a little hint that Edgar's relationship with Helene isn't over yet.
I've noticed particularly all of the careful and interesting details you've put in regarding Helene's appearance and attitude. I think these details are really compelling and make Helene a very vivid person that I can understand Edgar finding so intriguing.
The voice of the narrator is interestingly tentative and nervous and very busy in his head and the insights you provide into his brain develop him in a uniquely different way in comparison to Helene. I hope that we'll get to see through Edgar's way of thinking how he's going to develop as a character, too.
It's a very exciting beginning for me to wonder about where things are going to go from here.
I really like the details about your characters you have put into the story. From the very beginning you do a good job of setting the tone of the story. Your characters are very likable and the story is very intriguing. I also like how you explain what each character is willing to tell or not to tell the other character, such as Edgar's house that he decides not to talk about and Helene telling him about how she really isnt an old soul. I think these details show a lot about these characters and how much they trust each other.
I really enjoyed this piece, the details really help set the tone. i agree with ali that it's romantic but in a playfull way. i can't wait to read more.
i enjoyed this i cant wait to read more
I really like how you created the characters in the story. They each are deep and interesting and the reader can tell there is more to them than what they appear. I also like that you had Helene appear older than she was. It makes the reader wonder why she acts the way she does and makes the character that much more interesting. I also like the interaction between the two characters. Edgar seems very awkward around Helen and it creates some funny moments.
I really feel for both of these people. You learn to like and love these two only in the short reading we have to look at. The writing is great, the characters, are great and it really feels real... you go there... and you forget that you are just reading not experiencing. Excellent.
I liked all the details that were used, but, at times I felt that it was almost too much. That could just be because I'm short and sweet with my writing.
I also liked the personalities of the characters, and the little quirks about them. It makes them more realistic as opposed to fictional. I actually feel like I know them from somewhere.
Anywho, good on ya.
I love this story! I think that the characters and their relationship have a lot of opportunities available to them in their storylines. The relationship between the narrator and the other character have a unique chemistry that hints at a possible friendship, but the narrator's wanting something more.
I also like the details that we get through the narrator's perception of this new and intriguing person he meets.
PLEASE WRITE MORE! I LOVE IT!
- Edgar seems like a bitter person. I think you could bring this out a little bit more with more precise details about his feelings and his life before he meets Helene.
- I like how the theme of age keeps popping up throughout the piece.
- You describe Helene as having a “perfect” appearance. However, it seems like to me like Edgar and Helene are both very imperfect. It feels like this is/will be an important of their relationship. I think this idea could be reflected in her appearance as well. It might make things more interesting.
I like the sweetness in your story. You can sort of tell that this story will end up with those two characters falling in love in the end, despite Helene's words.Its' hard to place how long it would take. You're a very good writer and I can't read to read more of your work and this story!
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